no one else is coming

honoring Dr. Deb Shropshire

A little over a week ago, I joined over 100 Oklahomans for a Foster Care Forum. It was a last minute decision bred of more unexpected time off following knee surgery and the sudden need to be a part of anything that had to do with foster care, adoption, and the orphan crisis. I volunteered and greeted people as they came in. And I reconnected with several past colleagues and friends.

For whatever reason, I was called to the world of social work and child welfare immediately following my college graduation. In fact, I was offered, and then accepted, my first adult job before even graduating college. Armed with a degree in journalism, a desire to change the world, and wide-eyed optimism, I began my career in social work at the age of 22.

A lot of people didn't expect me to last a year. But I did. I lasted just under two years in permanency before accepting a job recruiting and retaining foster parents and adoptive parents. I still can't tell you why I took a job in child welfare. It doesn't make any sense.

I never really knew about the orphan crisis or the need for foster care growing up. I knew people who were adopted but that was about it. Still, I always had a desire to help people. I wanted to make a difference and had dreams of owning a ranch on the beach where kids with nowhere else to go could live.

Looking back, I now know that the dream was placed on my heart by God. He has called me to social work, to foster care, to standing in the gap and doing something that looks odd to a lot of people. He has taken a girl who grew up never knowing abuse or neglect and decided that she is to be the mother to countless children who have suffered countless hurts.

I've often wondered why I want to foster. We get asked that question a lot. I don't think there's a really good answer for it. And I don't necessarily think it's something we just want to do. Rather it's something that we feel we have to do.

One of the speakers at the Foster Care Forum said something that has stuck with me. To be fair, ALL the speakers said things that have stuck with me. But there's one thing that has stuck with me more.

It was a story told by a woman who ventured into foster care by taking a child home from the shelter for the Christmas holiday and then took two other children home for a weekend. She talked about the kids they cared for and how their stories touched she and her husband. And then she said this "I realized that no one else was coming." (Thank you, Susan Binkowski, for this.)

Right now, in Oklahoma, there are over 10,000 child in state custody. Over 10,000 children who have been neglected or abused and sometimes both. Over 10,000 children who won't sleep in their own homes. Over 10,000 children who won't wake up tomorrow morning with their birth parents.

And no one is coming for them. Social workers will seek out family members to take the children. And if there aren't family members, they will look for other people those children may know like teachers or friends. About half of the children in state custody will be placed with kinship foster families - these families who get calls in the middle of the night and of the day begging that they take placement of children who only want their mom and their dad. These families who will care for these children and try to make sense of why they're put in this position and try to figure out how they will pay the bills and feed extra mouths.

But what about the other children? The ones who don't have any relatives who can be approved or any other non-relative connections who are willing to take them. For them, no one else is coming.

People need to come. People need to open up their lives and invite in the mess that is foster care. People need to open their eyes and see the devastation that exists. And that's why we're fostering.

We're one of the foster families that is considered a kinship foster family. We're not related to the kids we're taking in, but we know them. We know their story. And when we heard they didn't have a place to go, we contacted OKDHS and said we would take them.

Our classes started on Saturday. It's the second time I've taken the classes. I took them a little over a year ago for my job, and so I was a bit bored on Saturday. I knew the material, had seen the videos, and I was just going through the motions.

We broke for lunch and went to a little Mexican restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, I commented to my husband that I wish we had invited the couple sitting next to us to have lunch with us. They aren't kinship. They're one of the ones welcoming in children they know nothing about, and I wanted to talk with them more.

God had other plans, and just after we ordered our food, we noticed a couple who was in our class sitting down at another booth. And we invited them to eat with us.

They were a kinship foster family and had taken in three children of the wife's sister. They were tired and broken down and in need of support. They needed someone who understood and were trying to wrap their minds around how they ended up as a kinship foster family. So we talked for over an hour. We let them spill their hurts and their frustrations and tried to offer some sort of support, some knowledge. We just tried to love them and tell them that we got it.

I realized then how much God has done to bring me to this place. I saw His sovereignty as we were able to be there for this family, to be the church to them and to stand in the gap along side them.

Foster care is hard. And it hurts. It makes you realize all the things about yourself that you ignore. It ostracizes you from society. People start to look at you differently. And you will lose friends.

You will always just be the foster family. You'll be the safe place for a child to sleep, but they will likely always want their parents. You will be the one to deal with anger and rage following a visit. You will also be the one to say positive things about a birth parent after they miss or cancel a visit. You will invite a child into your family and your life all the while knowing that they will choose their birth family over you.

You may not be considered a real parent. People may call you just a foster mom or a foster dad. And it will hurt. Because it's true and because you miss those kids, as difficult as they are, every single time they choose their birth family over your family.

But you will do it. You will do the sleepless nights and the angry outbursts and the parents who think you are trying to take their children. Because if you don't... then who will?

And, as Megan Dunham said, if it doesn't hurt so much then you haven't done it right.

FREEDOM

I struggle with letting go.

I also struggle with holding on.

It's a struggle that is deeply ingrained in me. I can't seem to release the plans I had for myself. I cling tightly to the things I once thought were important and fight against all that God has laid before me. I miss the days of yesterday when things seemed a bit simpler.

And I long to go back. To change words that were said. My words and the words of others. I overthink mistakes I've made and relive hurtful conversations. And sometimes, with all that, there are more mistakes and more hurtful words. Mistakes that I make, hurtful words I say, and also the actions of others that pierce my heart.

I've been quick to judge sometimes. Quick to jump to my defense and wonder why it is that things are happening. But God's been restoring me lately and has sought to repair those hurts by reminding me constantly of the hurts I've caused others and then helping me to reconcile those things with Him.

And I've had to let go. God has pried my white knuckles from relationships, from the past, and from what I decided the future would look like. He's wiped the slate clean countless times and reminded me that He loves me enough to give me a future that is more lovely than anything I could dream up.

I've been blown away lately. Truly blown away. But I've also found myself drifting into dark places where all the joy that surrounds this time in our lives is threatened to be taken away. The darkness has not won, though, and it never will. Because God's light shines brighter than anything.

It all sounds so cryptic. And while I long to spill all the details, I know it's my own humanity that longs to spill the details. The truth is that the details don't matter. What matters is that God has taken every ugly thing and used it to make my life more of a reflection of Him.

I want that more than I've really ever wanted anything. I want my life to reflect Him at all times. And by staying in a place of hurt and anger, I don't reflect Him at all. In fact, I hide Him and all that He is doing in my life.

Yes, there is a place and a time to seek counsel. To sit down with other believers and spill my heart for them to see and help to heal. But that place is not one in which I am filled with judgement. That time is not one in which I'm seeking justification for how I feel. Rather that time and place is when I've cried my tears and truly want to move on.

I'm moving on now. With grace. And with help from a God who knows better than I do and is so much stronger than I could ever be. And it's hard. It's harder than anything.

I constantly remind myself to pray. To pray for myself. To pray against any anger or hurt. To pray for the people I feel hurt by. To prayerfully seek forgiveness for any hatred in my heart and for any pain I've caused others. To pray for guidance, for continued strength to move forward, and for a clear path. To pray for knowledge.

There's still a long ways to go. By no means am I where I need to be. But God has been beyond faithful. He has given me peace when all I feel is hurt and anger and a passion that threatens to boil over into something else. He has placed people into my life who have spoken truth and given me the ears to hear the truth when on my own I would plug my ears and ignore anything that was said.

He has reminded me of His forgiveness and what that means. He's given me a heart for prayer in which He calls to mind different people and I pray over them. He's given me a vision for the future and taken away that anxiety that threatens to claim me when I think about how different the future looks for me.

I could say that this all has to do with foster care and embarking on this journey of motherhood. That would be true. I know God is pruning me and breaking me of my habits and filling me up with love so that I'm a little more prepared to be in the position of being a mother. But there's so much more to it.

He's raising up a new person. He's reminding me that the person I once was is no more. And while I've known that for years, I've never truly accepted it to be truth, and so I've found it hard to move past certain issues in my life. Like weight loss. He's telling me that it's no longer okay for me to hide or hold on but that it's time to let go and simply let God.

Of course, letting go and letting God is never simple. It's anything but simple. Because it takes away any resemblance of control we once thought we had.

I don't remember the last time I had true control. Between knee surgery and embarking on an adventure to become foster parents and moving congregations and opening up our lives to become community group leaders, I've been more dependent on God and on others than ever before. And while I still crave control (and have a ways to go until I fully relinquish control), God has shown me how in control He is and has taken care of every single need I have.

There's freedom in that. It's a scary freedom but still it's freedom. Freedom to believe that it's okay to let go. Freedom to forgive. Freedom to be forgiven. Freedom to open myself up to loving others. Freedom to listen to what others have to say. Freedom to bare my heart. Freedom to not judge.

And that freedom is so much better than holding on and never letting go.

frequently asked questions - foster care

1. How old are the kids you're planning to foster?
One is a teenager and one is a toddler. And both are girls. My poor husband is going to be outnumbered. He has already requested that friends be his alternate caregiver.

Me? I can't wait to buy clothes for both the kids. My poor husband may need to get an extra job or two in addition to having an alternate caregiver.

2. What made you want to foster?
I've been a social worker for about 5 years now. And since the beginning, I've known I wanted to foster and adopt. There are so many wonderful kids who simply need to be loved and told they are worth something.

We (meaning I) had planned to wait for another year to begin the process, but God apparently had other plans.

3. Do you want your own kids?
I understand this question. It comes from a place of curiosity (I think), but it's always a hard one to answer. I tend to get a little overly passionate when it comes to foster care and adoption, and sometimes I take questions personally.

For me, it doesn't matter if I birth a child or if someone else births the child. They can still be my child even without shared DNA. That being said, I'm going to consider any child that comes into our home my child. And I'll care for them as I would care for my own child.

As far as getting pregnant? I don't know.

4. When did you know that you wanted to be a mother?
I never really wanted to be a mom. I never understood it, and I thought that I would spend my days without children. And then this need for foster parents became very clear to my husband and I, and all of a sudden, I was a mom.

5. What is the hardest thing about fostering?
Our kids aren't in our house yet, so that's hard. The other thing that is so hard is how thankless foster care feels. We have an amazing support system through our church and the close relationships we have with members of our church. But there are a lot of people who don't seem to understand why we're fostering. I want to be able to explain it to them but I tend to get a bit overly passionate, so I'm letting God work on my heart and my tongue so that I can talk to people in a way that will really reach them.

6. How can you foster knowing the kids may leave?
How can I not? Foster care isn't about me or what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for myself. I'm doing it because every child deserves to have somewhere to call home. And I'm doing it because God has called me to. Also I'm not amazing for doing it; I'm simply obedient. And really my life is the one that will be changed more than a child's.

I know not everyone is called to foster, but we're all called to do something. God is the one who will provide guidance on what that something is. And these kids, these wonderful and amazing kids, need as much help and whatever kind of help people want to give.

Someone from our church bought paint so that we could turn our spare bedrooms into homes for the kids. Someone else from our church is going through the painstaking process of taping off chevron and stripes in the rooms. Another friend from church is hemming a prom dress for a girl in foster care. We have friends who have offered to be alternate caregivers and help us bolt furniture into the walls. Justin's grandma gave us a crib. One of the therapist's from my physical therapy donated a small suitace and clothes for the teenager. And countless people are actively praying for us.

Those things mean the world to me. Seeing so many people come together to help us and love on our kids reminds me of what the church is meant to be. I love that we all get to be the church to one another and to kids who may never have known what love is.

7. You get paid for fostering, right?
I hate this question, too. Because it hurts me - cuts me to the core. I know people ask because they don't understand. And I want to educate people. However, I feel like there is such a stigma attached to being paid for foster care.

Do we receive a stipend? Yes. And it all goes back to the kids. We also will receive help with daycare. I equal it to taxes for couples with their own biological children. When you have kids, you get a tax break. When you pay for daycare, you get to write some of those expenses off. We won't get a tax break or be able to write off expenses.

Also, we're not yet approved, and we won't be fully approved when the children get placed. Which means we won't receive the stipend. And I almost don't want the stipend. I know it will help, but I already consider the kids as ours and as such I will do everything I can to care for them - regardless of the stipend.

There are some people who foster for the money, and it makes me sick. These kids are people. They deserve to be loved and not seen as a paycheck. Also the stipend is nothing, so I can't comprehend how or why people would do this for the money.

8. Why did you have a shower?
Because we wanted to celebrate. It doesn't matter that the kids are already born. They deserve just as much celebration as an unborn child. And we wanted to include people in our lives - to show them what we're doing and why. We also wanted people to have the chance to meet our kids. This question hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm worth less than someone having a child biologically, and it hurts me for the kids we're getting because I want to provide as much as I can for them.

I'm so blessed to have a friend who got it and threw us a shower. I loved getting to fellowship and show off our kids. I also loved that other friends brought their foster children. I held one little boy and fell deeply in love with him and his 8-month-ol chunkiness.

And we have a lot of needs. This is our first time becoming parents, and so just like any first time parents, we need things like bottles and cups and playpens and toys and clothes and diapers. We still have a lot of those needs and are on the look-out for good deals. Some of our needs were filled on Sunday, and we are so grateful.

9. What do you need?
We still need diapers. And a stroller. We also need a bedding set. And toys. I would love a second playpen, too. And that's just for the toddler. For the teen, we need things like a hair straightener and a comforter set. I could honestly continue the list, but the stuff isn't the most important thing. Yes, it helps, but love and support and friendship and prayer are more important. God has called us to foster, and so I know He will provide. We're registered at Target and Babies R Us, and I plan to look for similar items at garage sales.

9. What do you wish people knew about foster care?
A lot.

I wish people were more accepting. I wish more people would talk to us about our decision to foster. I wish that people didn't think it was so weird. I know it's different and confusing and that people have a hard time understanding it. But I'd love for people to truly talk to us about it.

I also wish people knew how common it is. Since we announced our decision to foster, we've been able to meet others who share a similar heart, and I've loved getting to know those people and have loved that so many people have come alongside us to help us and support us. It brought me so much joy on Sunday to see that happen.

I also wish people understood how little these kids often have. It doesn't matter how old they are; they still have needs. So many kids in foster care move with just trash bags full of belongings. They store some things at offices because they can't take everything to their new "homes" and often those "homes" are not permanent so they lose more every time they move. That's one thing I want to make sure of. I want every child, especially our soon-to-be kids, that this is their home.

I also wish people knew that they could do something. Really do something to change lives. And I wish people would talk to me about it more. I would love to be able to share my heart.

linking up with lauren for heart + home today.

today tomorrow & the day after that