I've talked so much about change. About bettering myself. And about moving on. But in so many ways, it has just been talk.
Because this change? It is so much harder than anything I have ever done.
I have the desire to change. It rises up in me and takes hold of my every thought. It spreads itself into every aspect of my life and begs me to move from my old way to a new way. There are reminders everywhere that it is time to let go of the thoughts and the worries and the question. Freedom beckons me and promises to bring me new life.
And yet, I remain frozen. Sometimes it feels like my feet are in a bucket of quickly drying cement. Other times it is as though my hands are bound behind my back and there is a rope loosely tied around my ankles. And occassionally, it is me holding myself back. My hands and feet are free, but I am too afraid to take that first step.
I don't know why, though.
I can't wait around to understand why. I have to make a choice. Do I remain stuck? Or do I move forward, casting aside my questions and my fears?
The next question then is how. And the answer is: I don't know.
Over the past few months, I've grown. I've opened myself up to people. I've allowed myself to cry and to weep and to ask for help. I've started writing again. I've prayed - a lot. I've done so many things. But I still have a long way to go.
Another questions is, what do I do? I think this might answer the question of how because it will provide me with specific steps to take.
I took it to apply only to writing. To the fact that I need to write at least one page a day and then maybe write more.
But my mother, wise woman that she is, talked about how this can apply to every aspect of life. I listened but also brushed the words off. Or I thought I brushed the words off; in reality, they have been rushing around in my mind for the past week.
What is your word?
(title from "landslide" by fleetwood mac)