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A year ago, I was confused. And unsettled. Frustrated. Holding onto hope when I felt like there was nothing left to hold onto. God was working on my heart. He was showing me the similarities I shared with an old house. He was whispering to me that in the brokenness He would provide healing. He was reminding me that He would remain in control.
It's been a bumpy road since then. There have been ups and downs. There have been questions of what am I doing. There have been hours spent searching for something else and hoping that God would pluck us out of any sort of despair and place us on an easier path.
And He has. Though not in the way I expected. But when is God's way really ever the way we expect? I think the answer is never, but I feel that if I say that He will do something just to prove to me that I can not expect Him to act one specific way.
Just about a year ago, in the midst of struggling with our house and wondering when things were going to turn around, I started a very slow journey. I started to think about what I wanted from life. I started to think about what God wanted from my life. And I knew that we both wanted me to be the best possible version of myself.
I'm still working towards that goal. But I am so much closer to it today than I was a year ago. And I am more determined. I've thrown out the excuses and have chosen to embrace a new way of life even when it is hard. I have decided that I am worth it, and I have started to chronicle my goals. And I don't intend to let anything get in my way this time.
My insecurities loomed at that time. I struggled to fight them off and to remember that they were just insecurities and not truth. But I fought with my words and thoughts instead of with my whole self. And so they won.
Just a year later, I spend at least an hour a day in the pool or at the gym. I look all of those years of insecurities in the eye, and I fight back. With weights. With the stationary bicycle. With deep water aerobics and aqua zumba.
When I struggled with those insecurities, I was reminded of them everywhere I turned. Not just in my life. But in other's lives. Even through it all, I was reminded that God was faithful. That He would provide in His own way - a way I (again) never would have or could have expected.
A year ago, God spoke to me through my aching muscles. He reminded me that pain will bring change. I listened for a moment, and then let all of those insecurities and excuses creep back in.
This year, instead of Him speaking to me, He placed people into my life. These people will not let me stop. These people, just by existing in my life, hold me accountable because I know I have to hold myself accountable. I know I need to celebrate my successes and let go of my shortcomings. I need to remember that this is a journey. Not just my relationship with God. And not just my journey towards health. But all of it.
All of this to say, again, that in a year everything has changed, and in a year nothing has changed. But I guess that's often the way it goes.
I can't wait to see what has (or has not changed) in another year.
(title from "change" by carrie underwood)