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12/02/2011

done looking for the critics (week 5)

This week has not been what I wanted or expected. After a weekend of resting, shopping, eating good food, and not worrying about too many things, I had hopes of a week full of energy and hours spent at the gym. I set my alarm every day to go off before 5:30am so I could get in a morning work out.

I turned the alarm off every day and didn't even pretend to consider getting out of bed with the intention of sweating for an hour at the gym.

Each night I've gotten home exhausted. In fact, I've spent the entire day at work exhausted. The coffee I brew in the morning doesn't seem to help. And neither does the caffeine I try to sneak in during the work day.

Maybe I'm not drinking enough water? Or maybe my body is fighting off another infection. Maybe it's because the cold and grey skies are becoming more normal than not in Oklahoma City. I'm not sure. I just know what this week has been a week of missed work-outs, eating macaroni and cheese for dinner, and just trying to make it through the week.

There will always be weeks like this. Sometimes just getting out of bed and making decent food choice is all you can do. Sometimes your body needs a break. And sometimes fitness just isn't a priority.

I've come a good distance in other ways. I have ideas for a novel. I want to write. I've enjoyed snuggling on the couch with my husband. And I am 3/4 of the way through Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. And I haven't beat myself up too badly for not working out. Because I know there's a reason I feel so sluggish, a reason I just can't seem to muster the energy to even change into my work-out clothes.

So what do you do during these times? Some people would say to push through. Go to the gym any ways. Just get it done. There are times when I agree with that. But right now? Right now this is not something I can push through. Right now I need to just take whatever time my body needs and allow myself to not spend 10 hours in the gym.

Winter has made it's slow descent on Oklahoma. There's a possibility of snow on Monday (which I am praying against), and I've already spent a few mornings in my car waiting for my frosted windows to defrost. I had hoped the cold temperatures wouldn't slow my weight loss, but they have. As much as I want to be healthy, I am fighting the battle to just hibernate through the winter and live in oversized sweaters.

I used to like cold weather. I think it's because I spent so many years living in Houston where there is no (real) cold weather and also because I could and would live in a hooded sweatshirt and Uggs if life allowed. But now the cold is becoming my enemy. It threatens to take my health and my ability to wake up early in the morning and dominate a work out.

This week is not a result of the cold weather. It's a result of my body needing a rest. It's a result of my mind coming to grips with closed doors and with new possibilities. It's a result of me making a choice to not push myself as hard as I have in the past. But I know that this week could very quickly become the normal occurrence for the winter, and that's something I don't want to allow to happen.

I went shopping on Black Friday for one reason and one reason only. All of my clothese were too big. I bought pants and jeans and a few tops (some pictured to the left as I spent most of this week wearing said new clothes and somewhat attempting to style my hair). I'm planning on making these things last me through the winter, and I'm trading my too-big clothes into Daisy Exchange or Plato's Closet once I have time to run some errands. So I simply can not hibernate. I must keep working out and bidding farewell to excess pounds.

This week, even though I've barely stepped foot in the gym, I have felt decently about myself. I spent weeks feeling less than decent. Everything I owned was too big and felt frumpy. I thought I would never get to a point where I felt comfortable enough to shop again. And then I did. While my worth is not found in material possessions, an outfit in which I feel somewhat cute does quite a bit for my confidence. And I needed that.

Feeling decent this week has reminded me that my worth is not found in the number on the scale or the number of miles I complete on the elliptical. It's found on the inside. Similarly feeling decent is not found in my job or the path my life is taking. Those things impact it but they do not define me.

They say change is made on the inside (at least that's what Bob Harper has said on an episode or two of The Biggest Loser). And this week there have been a lot of inside changes. I'm excited to see how they impact my work outs once I get back in the gym, but I am even more excited to see how those changes impact the rest of my life.

(title from "f*ckin' perfect" by pink)

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