3/07/2012

just one pulse of your heart

I made it to the gym on Monday morning. It was just a 30-minute circuit work-out, but still. After two weeks of no work-outs, I felt on top of the world and ready to first tackle the day and then the week.

It's now Wednesday, and I had every intention of rolling out of bed at 5:45am and walking into the gym by 6:15am. But with a headache leftover from last night and a sore throat from not drinking enough water,  I am spending the little time I have this morning and simply resting.

I don't rest very much now. I'm moving from one job or one activity to the next. I'm helping this person and then that person. I'm spending time with my husband and with my friends. I'm finally folding and putting away laundry or taking time out from the day to scratch my dogs' ears and give them their (and mine) needed hugs.

I still don't know where or how to fit the gym in. Which is more important - the extra sleep or the work-out? Maybe it's equal and then depending on the day determines my choice. Or maybe it's just that they are both equally important and I need to make both more of a priority.

It's something I am figuring out along with the rest of this thing called life and change. At least there are some things I have already figured out - some things I know I can't live without.

One of those things is quiet time.

I've tried to live without it. Chosen watching thirty minutes of The Bachelor over it. And I've come to the full realization that I am an absolute mess without it. I've realized that everything stems off whether or not I take the time to sit down, open my Bible, and spend the time reading.

Quiet time centers me. When I'm frustrated, anxious and unsure, I'm reminded that I'm not in control - which really, even for a control freak like me, is the some of the best news imaginable. And quiet time reminds me of why I do what I do for work, reminds me of how important my marriage is (and why it's important) and also helps me to see things I didn't before.

I'm gathering Bible Studies and using them to pour over the words written on the tattered smooth pages. I'm doing my best to journal - writing down my frustrations, my fears, and my prayer requests. And as I do these things, I feel myself changing in ways I didn't think were really possible.

I'm more content. There are still questions about what we are to do with jobs and serving others. Questions about where we are called to live. How we are called to spend our money. But there are even more questions I no longer feel I have to answer right away. Questions that used to keep me up at night that no longer bother me.

A few weeks ago, during my first week at my new full-time job, I was driving down the interstate. Traffic was backed up, and I was stopped, looking ahead and waiting to see when it would be time to go. I got rear-ended, and I spent the next few hours scared, anxious, crying, angry, but also at peace. Because I knew that somehow everything would work itself out.

And it did. The damage to my car was minimal. I was sore for a few days but the soreness eventually disappeared as well.

The situation wasn't ideal, but it was another reminder that God is in control of my life. Another reminder that I'm so much better equipped to handle life and it's situations when I spend time praying, reading the Bible and ministering to my own heart.

My early time spent blogging often touched on my faith and what I felt like God was teaching me. Then it turned to weight loss and the journey I am still on. Now I'm just doing my best to be faithful with what I am leaning in every aspect of my life and use that knowledge in any way possible.

I continue to be excited about life and the opportunities presenting themselves. So much time passed when I felt stuck and unsure and like I just wasn't moving forward. Now that I can see things happening and feel other things happening, I have to share that excitement, and I know I only have that excitement because I've spent time meditating, praying, seeking clarity, and reading.

(title from "see the way" by misty edwards)

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