It's after 9:00pm on a Sunday night. My nose is red from the overuse of tissues, and my body is winding down - the DayQuil having departed from me hours ago. Both dogs are falling asleep on either side of the couch - taking up what little room I had reserved for folded and clean clothes.
It's after 9:00pm on a Sunday night, and my mind is racing with thoughts on the upcoming week. Do I have everything I need for work? Am I going to squeeze the gym in after work, or will I force myself out of bed before 5:00am and then stumble into the gym in the morning? What does this next week look like for me as far as the hours I am working?
It's after 9:00pm on a Sunday night. But it's not just any Sunday night. It's Easter Sunday. And yet I don't feel like I've spent any real time truly meditating on the fact that it is Easter Sunday. Instead I've rushed around, blown my nose, gulped down DayQuil, and sprawled out on the couch.
This past week has been one of the better ones. Busy as anything but successful. I've counted calories every day since last Friday. I'm down at least 1.5 pounds. And I made it to the gym four times. All while fighting through some sort of cold or virus.
And yet I feel like none of it really matters. And none of it does - at least not on Easter Sunday.
There are so many times I think of something profound - when I know God is giving me words that are much too smart for me to have thought of. There are so many times when I feel convicted - when I know God is leading me towards something (or somewhere). But I let those times pass away so easily. I miss out on those moments because I tell myself it can wait.
It can't wait. That's something I have been reminded of today. None of it can wait. The only time there is is now. And those moments of profoundness and conviction pass if you don't grab hold of them right as they pass by.
This weekend I've thought a lot about time. How I spend my time. Not just how I spend it but also how my mind spends it. Because sometimes I am physically present and emotionally absent.
This weekend I've also thought a lot about control and what would happen if I just let go a little bit. Would the world end? I know the answer is no, but I'm so wrapped up in the idea of knowing exactly what is going to happen and when it is going to happen that I feel like the world would end if I were to let go of control.
And then I am reminded that it is Easter Sunday, and I'm hit with the thoughts of how this life is not about me and how broken I am to have spent so much of the day consumed with my own life instead of focusing on the reason I celebrate Easter.
I clearly have nothing figured out. And I am okay with that - as okay with it as I can be at least. But I am working towards holding onto those moments of profoundness and conviction. I am working towards letting go of control (still). I am working on my life pointing towards Him and away from myself.
(title from "on fire" by switchfoot)